Why Do Men Feel Lonely And What We Can Do To Fix It (Yay!)
Loneliness can take many forms but the main one is lack of social contact or more importantly a lack of meaningful social contact. Being around people who care about you is a sure fire way to beat this but why do we feel this in the first place?
Being at a distance from other people is why we feel lonely. Not just anybody but people in your life that matter to you and vice versa. A noted absence of people of this caliber will allow that sense of loneliness to creep in and fester.
Growing apart from old friends
When we are younger we often have lots of friends, some are good friends others just school friends of acquaintances. As we get older our lives change and we each make choices that can pull away from those friendships.
Getting a job far from home can result in you moving home after a period of time passes. Frustration of a lengthy commute forces you to move closer to your job.
Your friends move away in the opposite direction making it even more difficult to keep in touch. Promising to keep in touch with friends is common at the start but life often gets in the way and your contact dwindles over time until you stop communicating with them altogether.
Social stereotyping – You don’t share feelings
We are often told by people to keep our feelings to ourselves and over the years we have successfully managed to do just that, to our detriment. Holding feelings in not only leads to issues like sadness and depression but it can also contribute to stress which is a killer amongst men.
Another by produce of not sharing feelings is that other people don’t get the chance to know how you are feeling and why. This can lead us to feel like nobody knows us, nobody understands us or even worse, that nobody cares.
Feeling like nobody understands or cares can make us withdraw from society and try to compensate elsewhere. Usually by going onto the internet. Without a balance of positive social interaction spending too much time on the internet can be damaging. Especially if you are harboring too many negative thoughts to begin with.
Isolation from being online
The internet is a double edged sword for society in today’s world. It can both give us some amazing gifts and terrible curses.
Great things like being able to talk to someone across the other side of the world for free. To call the UK from Australia back in 1995 was about two dollars a minute and there was a two second delay on the call also. Today you can make Skype video calls, Apple Facetime, Facebook Video, and many more.
But despite this connectivity it lacks the substance that a face to face meeting has. It feels cold and clinical, like drinking a diet soda instead of a regular one.
The sheer variety of things online can also cause you to “fall down the rabbit hole” like Alice in Wonderland. These sites offer suggestions to get you to keep clicking, it’s part of their business model but it’s not a healthy option for a lonely guy who wants to stop being lonely.
The websites that actually encourage this, sites like YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram to name a few are sites you should use sparingly as it’s easy to get caught up and spend a few hours looking at them when you only planned a half-hour.
Marriage
Sounds crazy right? How can a man be lonely when he is married? Sadly forty to fifty percent of couples in the United States divorce from their first marriage with rates even higher for subsequent marriages. As for who initiates the divorce, in sixty to seventy percent of cases it’s the woman who files for divorce.
What does that mean? It means, for us men, that in over half of the cases the couple were not suitably matched. Differences, over time, will begin to emerge and as a result of this less sharing of intimacy and feelings, ultimately leading to loneliness and isolation.
Even if the marriage is fine there can still be some times where you want to go and hang out with your friends but your spouse has other ideas. Maybe it’s a clash of plans, maybe she feels jealous of your friendships, maybe she is a little controlling and just wants you near. She may even dislike your friends.
Having to prioritize your matrimonial responsibilities over your friends can seem harsh and can lead to resentment and a feeling of not being in control. Even if you are the one making the choice you know deep down it’s not a fair choice.
Stubbornness – Refusal to ask for help
Like social stereotyping many men don’t like to ask for help. When you are constantly being told to “man up”, “be a man”, it’s no wonder we just clam up and get on with things.
It’s part of our nature to not ask, we are wired to get things done, to be the provider, the hunter-gatherer, even if it means not asking for directions. Not knowing where we are going is the challenge and asking for directions is like asking for another hunter to catch food for you.
In today’s society, things are getting more difficult for men. We are more likely to die early from work, die on the job, be homeless, be divorced by our wives, lose custody of our children. Despite these huge obstacles we can potentially face asking for help is still one of the biggest.
Tribalism – Today’s identity politics and it’s toxicity
This is one of the biggest and scariest challenges we face as a society and will only contribute to the breakdown of society as we know it unless it’s stopped.
Many men are made to feel shame for just being men which in my view is absolutely disgusting and is contributing to men’s loneliness as we all slowly withdraw from society.
Extreme behavior by many radical elements today will isolate you in a heartbeat and for what? Today’s cancel culture and sectionalism is a rampant virus which needs to be stopped.
Whatever color skin you are born with is irrelevant, what gender you were born is irrelevant, what faith you are is irrelevant, your sexuality is irrelevant. We are all the same and should treat each other accordingly.
Calling out someone for perceived infractions ie hurt feelings. Is counterproductive and will result in more isolation of everyone.
Trying to lose people their jobs, get them assaulted or publicly vindicated as evil when they just have an opinion about something should be stopped. If a person is really bad then the truth will out.
Fixes: Loneliness is curable
For many of us every day can be an uphill climb, even mundane things like getting out of bed can feel like a monumental task when your mind is full of negative thoughts and feelings.
Luckily for us there are many things, as men, we can do to fix loneliness.
Meetups: There are websites and applications you can access free of charge to find like-minded people with similar interests to you. Interests ranging from playing games, going to the movies, joining a book club to hiking, and even short breaks away.
Going to social places: Most people think of bars as the main social hangout but what about coffee shops, gyms, dance studios for a dance lesson, and parks? If you visit some of the places often you may end up seeing the same people there and that could be a chance to just offer a few words like “back again eh?” with a smile, which could be an icebreaker to a new friendship.
Get hobbies: Having hobbies can be a great way to meet new people, depending on the hobby. If your hobby is craft or tool focused like DIY then you may be able to join a workshop co-op where you can go and make things and pay a small fee ti use their equipment.
You may bump into the same people if you are out and about like in a hobby shop, or even something like sailing a boat on a lake, or taking nature photos.
Charity work: As guys we like to fix things, resolve problems and generally feel good about getting stuff done. We also love to help others. Problem solving comes easy to most guys and charity work is a great place to not only meet new people but to satisfy that need.
Most volunteers are kind decent giving people so if you gravitate towards people like this then doing some charity work could be for you. A chance to do some good as well as spend time with nice people while you do.
In conclusion:
Loneliness can be very debilitating and can stop even the strongest of us in out tracks if left untreated. Luckily there are many things we can do to combat this.
If you see a guy on his own somewhere who looks a bit lonely and lost, invite him over for a chat. There’s a good chance you’ll make his day and you may even make a good friend in the process.
