How To Be Less Defensive – Finding Reasons To Trust Others

Many of us have felt like we were on the defensive at times. When something may not be sure about get’s called into question and we want to just lash out and defend ourselves.

So why do we feel defensive in the first place? Usually it’s because we have doubts about ourselves for one reason or another and anything which we may perceive to be an attack, criticism or even just an off the cuff remark can send the barriers up faster than you can blink.

So what can we as guys do to stop being so defensive? We are criticized at every turn for just being men, everything we seem to do or say these days pushes us back onto the ropes.

Men need to foster and encourage self-belief. Believing in yourself will have you chuckling in amusement at every negative comment knowing your values and beliefs are valid. We can use a criticism, not as an arrow to the heart but a chance to improve. We can understand that not everything we hear should be construed as negative.

Targeting our own weakness then is the best form of defense. If we are strong then anything that comes our way can be easily brushed aside or taken on board as we see fit.

Believe in your values be self aware

The main reason to lash out is that we are not confident about our own abilities, beliefs, or values and as such we react much more strongly and with a desire to protect ourselves from what is a light shining on the truth.

The truth being that we are lacking in our resolve.

Having strong set of core values and beliefs will give you the grounding to become less defensive and more welcoming of criticism. If you don’t believe or value your own set of truths then how on earth can you expect others to?

Now is the time for self reflection and thinking about what is important to you. Really important. The core values that make you the person that you are.

For example: My weakness is procrastination, I have a real problem with it. If I have been particularly lazy and put off jobs and someone calls me out for it then I feel defensive. I know deep down that I have been lazy but I really dislike it being seen.

On the flip side when I have been working like a robot for 70 or 80 hours a week and someone calls me lazy, I just laugh as I am strong in my conviction that I am not.

Accept criticism as opportunity to grow

Once you have your values in place and you are doing your best to honor them you will find that criticism will be more readily accepted as you will be less inclined to feel defensive.

When you are criticized for any reason take it on board immediately and analyse it carefully. If the critique does not have any merit and is misguided then you can dismiss it as irrelevant.

Be careful to analyze carefully though as being too dismissive of everything may mean you are being too arrogant or aloof to recognize the criticism as having merit.

If you don’t find merit then think of it, not as some slight send your way to do you harm, but more as free training. In this world you can take courses on many things, some cheap some costly but criticism is freely given so use it for your own benefit.

If I make a cake and 5 people tell me it’s too sweet then I can put less sugar, I could pay to go to a baking class and spend time and money I want to use elsewhere but in this case I can say “Really? Thanks for letting me know I can put less sugar in and make it better next time!”

Listen more clearly, not everything an attack

Quite often you may hear something that mat cause the hairs on your neck to stand up and for your calm to be replaced by indignation but it may be because you were not listening to what was actually being said.

When you interact with people they may start comments with “You should” or “You need to” and these are criticisms. But what if they say something along the lines of “I think” or “I feel”?

They may frame their sentence with this preface even if they mean “I think you should” but think about what that means. It means it’s an opinion.

Of course some people are more opinionated than others but opinions are not facts. They are just that person exercising their right to believe something different to what you do.

Does that mean you are wrong? Maybe, maybe not. It depends on popular opinion. If 90% of people think the same then it could have merit. If so use it as free training.

If you don’t know or are unsure treat it for what it is, an opinion. If we all had the same opinions about everything then life would be pretty boring.

It’s not personal

Remember that for most people it’s not a personal attack so take it on the chin and not in the heart.

Using my cake analogy people were not out to get me because I made an overly sweet cake. Quite the opposite, in fact, they loved the taste but wanted it to be more balanced in terms of sweetness. They were not looking at my failings as a person or as some deficiency in my character but as a chance for me to improve something they already liked and appreciated.

When we are dealing with strangers it’s not so easy to understand their motives behind their words so it’s better to exercise some restraint and err on the side of caution and accept it as positive.

Most people want to help subconsciously so try to understand that and let them, remember free training!

There does not have to be a winner

I often mention the positive feedback loop which while sounding positive isn’t as it involves 2 sides slowly (or not) escalating their opposing positions until something terrible happens.

You want to understand this principal and how it works. For example. Someone gives you a comment you don;t like, you can accept it or get defensive and retaliate, if they don’t back down they may then say something insulting as a means of escalating, you then do the same…..

It can very easily get out of control. Confronting a confrontation will usually result in a lose-lose outcome. You may find you alienate yourself from people by attacking them even though they may have meant well.

In conclusion:

Use this article as a way to be able to diffuse the situation every time by being the better man. Have strong unshakeable values and nothing people say will bother you as what they do say can either be easily dismissed or used as a tool to help you.