How Can I Be More Tactful – While Still Remaining Honest

As guys, we are often known for putting our foot in it when it comes to being tactful or not as the case may be. The number one trap men are programmed to see a mile off is “does this make my butt look big?”

Luckily for us there are singers like J-Lo who have made having a larger rear appealing so this question, thankfully gets asked less often now.

But there still are pitfalls to being brutally honest, even when stating the honest truth. Many of us have been brought up in a world where you have to sugar coat everything you say for fear of offence.

The art of being tactful can be briefly described as thinking before you speak, nobody want’s to hear your honest blurted ramblings until you have carefully crafted them into well-softened observations. You need to choose the right time to deliver your words too so they will be gently received and you need to think about the other person’s feelings and possible sensitivity to what you are about to say.

Think before you speak – choose appropriate words

Selecting words carefully may seem obvious to many but not to all of us. Being tactful means knowing how to deliver a blow with the force of a feather but with the truth of a hammer.

Often this means you cannot be too direct or you may risk upsetting the other person. Using softer phrases to set your point across like “I think those colors clash a bit, maybe you could reconsider another choice” as opposed to “You look like a clown, change immediately”

Even pausing for a few moments can make the difference between poorly selected words and their more reasonable counterparts.

Wait until you are in a calm mood

Choosing the right words is important but also is waiting until you are in the appropriate mood also. Being calm and collected will give you a good degree of focus and clarity and will allow you to cone up with a way of broaching an awkward topic in the best way possible.

If you are angry, stressed or even sad or feeling down then refrain from trying to discuss delicate topics with others. If your mood is of anger then you may be inclined to be short or abrupt with the person, less likely to hold your tongue and be more scathing.

Likewise, if you are feeling negative then your choice of words and how you deliver them may not hit the mark and could even come across as sarcastic or trite.

Choose the right time and place.

The timing of your intervention is also needed. A bit of well meaning advice can be softened at times when the other person is more likely to be calm and relaxed too. Around meals or a relaxing stop for a coffee.

Try to find a place that is not crowded where you can preferably, be alone. It could be embarrassing for them to hear what you have to say so doing it in a crowded canteen in everyone’s earshot is ill-advised.

Mornings are usually better as the intended recipient will often have more energy and be feeling more positive earlier in the day, unless they are a night owl (worth checking) and then something later in the day after people have gone home, would be more suitable.

Speak the truth but try not to be too blunt

Whilst you want to soften your words you still want to be honest with what you are telling the other person. You may need to balance tact with honesty here. Too tactful may seem like you are sugarcoating the issue and playing down.

If this happens the other person may wonder if what you re saying has merit if it’s so minor. The opposite could also come about. They may think you are being petty and judgemental over such a triviality which could cause problems in its own right.

Whatever direction you decide to take, let them know exactly what the issue is without watering it down at all. If you have concerns then they need to be aware of exactly why you have them.

Walk in their shoes – Understand how they may feel

This is where you can get the most benefit when approaching someone to tell them something. If you can step into their shoes, not literally of course, but can really empathize with the other person then you can get a real insight into how you can approach the topic and share the information with them.

Empathy is a real gift and not many of us have enough of it to make a real impact in peoples lives. Men often have less than women but this is mainly due to the fact men are interested in things and women are interested in people.

A big reason also why men are more likely to work in fields like engineering where interaction in tactful ways are needed much less frequently.

Women on the other hand tend to choose roles that have more need to empathy, like teaching or nursing. Strong levels of empathy and tact are required, which women find quite suitable.

Think about cultural differences

When speaking to another person who is from a different cultural background then you will have to adjust your levels of tact accordingly.

In some parts of the world like Russia, direct speaking is encouraged and direct open speech is a sign of honesty and therefore trust. For westerners, however it can come across as blunt and rude. Saying to someone “I think you are wrong and it’s a stupid idea” here is an absolute no-no but in Russia much less so.

In other parts of the work like South East Asia you need to be very careful about any form of criticism, even the most tactful person in the world can be in serious trouble if the other person understands that you are criticizing them. They will “lose face”, meaning they will take your words as very insulting, despite your well meaning intentions.

In other cultures such as Indian, Pakistani and people from the Arab nations it can be difficult to talk to the women, especially if you are a guy who is not related to them in some way or a known family friend.

Offering advice to them, with or without tact can be seen and being overly familiar which can be taken the wrong way in some of their circles.

In conclusion:

Bide your time, wait for the right moment when you are calm, they are calm and there’s nobody around.

Choose your words carefully and focus on the truth and getting your point across while being as inoffensive as you can.

Remember to empathize when you do as there may be extra considerations like culture, gender and age etc. that may be important factors.